DontLetUp23

This title came to me in the middle of the night about a month ago, and it woke me up, so I wrote it down. I don't remember anything more about it, so I can hardly wait to see what I'm going to write.

Since I'm still reading "Soul Stories," I have a feeling it will be most provocative. For instance, the last story I read was about a miner's relentless search for gold; and one day he found it, and wealth transformed his life for the good. The gist of the story was to be just as relentless in our search for inner riches, reminding us that everything happens for our spiritual growth. And this realization is our pay dirt, or as Jesus mentioned in a parable, "The pearl of great price."

I feel as if I am on a treasure hunt too, because as I wrote these words, I was guided to a book that I've kept with me, but never read, about the parables. And wouldn't you know that it says, in different words, the same thing Gary Zukav is saying, that the true treasure, riches, or pearl of great price, the kingdom of heaven, is within.

The author, Ervin Seale, lives up to the promise of his book's title, "Learn to Live" when he says that the pearl of great price is the awareness of one power and one cause, which Gary Zukav refers to as authentic power. In other words, it's recognizing that outer power is transitory and inner riches are eternal.

That's why the parable says that the merchant, when finding the pearl of great price, sold all that he had and bought the one. In other words, recognizing the value of inner riches, he gave up his old preconceived ideas and values for the true wealth, the kingdom of heaven. And this gave him his authentic power.

To me, the bottom-line is "There is but one presence and one power active in the universe and in my life, God, the Good, omnipotent." I use this affirmation every time I'm tempted to give away my power, or give someone, or something else, more power than God. To me, this is the ultimate act of surrendering, giving up personal (ego) power.

In other words, this mysterious title that came to me in the middle of the night, is saying that we must be like the miner, persistent and unrelenting in our search for this inner kingdom; not settle for fool's gold, or false idols. And we must be discerning, or selective, in making the right choices: the greater, not the lesser, on our spiritual path. In other words, we don't want to sell out long term goals for short term gains. We must look upward, and inward, and not lose track of what's important and valuable.

For instance, when Van gets into his inner child syndrome, it's very difficult for me to remember that we are spiritual partners. In fact, it triggers my tape to take flight, which is one of

But reading Gary's chapter on Spiritual Partners relating to commitment, I realize that, like everyone else, we are in each other's lives for our spiritual growth, so naturally we each do the very thing that forces the other to deal with what needs to be faced and overcome.

So maybe, like Chris, in Gary's story, I need to make a commitment to my spiritual growth in order to heal my Abandonment Pattern of feeling a compulsion to leave, or be abandoned.

patterns, but he handles his in other ways. For instance, withholding, non-intimacy, and don't give them what they want, is his protective mechanism. Not caring and indifference are also there, but they are cover-ups for his deeper feelings of not wanting them to go; of wanting them to remain. In fact, one of his ulterior, or covert strategies is similar to the movie, "The Butterfly," when the fellow kept the girl, the object of his affection, captivated in the basement. Fortunately, Van is aware of these feelings and despite his inner desire to be possessive, he gives me the freedom that my independent spirit requires and demands.

As I've said before, we are processing through this spiritual growth on many levels at the same time, so each part of us is experiencing a different level of unfoldment. Whereas Van's adult self has evolved to the point where he could probably walk on water, his inner child is struggling with many basic concepts, which require more patience than I am willing to extend. But, no doubt, patience is one of the qualities that I'm attempting to incorporate into my spiritual growth pattern.

one. Of course, what I really want is that we work together, as a team, in building the website. Oh, he does what I ask, but he's definitely a reluctant teammate, and whenever possible, he's off in some other direction; any other direction, in fact. It's part of his compulsion to not give me what I want, which some level of himself feels will keep me around and wanting him.

However, I've reached the place where I'm tired of playing the game, so my focus is to find someone who will do the computer things that he does, which will free him up to do whatever he wants to do.

The problem is that he really doesn't seem to have anything else that he wants to do; it's just a matter of not doing what I want him to do. Even though it's really something he likes doing.

Oh well, this is getting too complicated. It's time for me to lift up my vision to God's Divine Plan for me, and let Van do the same, or whatever.

In the meantime, Van, Dottie and Steve have been faithfully taking their Prime for about a month and it's been activating the pituitary gland to secrete its natural human growth hormone.

bed for weeks, if not months, while going through his childhood pneumonia pattern, which served whatever purpose his young mind had conjured up: possibly attention and nurturing, but more likely it was an excuse to get out of doing something that he didn't want to do; and of course "being sick" is a reasonable and acceptable cop-out.

But, knowing what I do about such things, I no longer buy into it, and I know that something else is going on. Trying to get him to face and recognize it, however, is another thing, as his pneumonia has been replaced with emphysema in recent years.

In the meantime, I discovered another of Van's covert characteristics, withholding, had been in progress. This one sometimes manifests as a Diversionary Project that occupies his thinking and interests so that he can obsess on it, while seeming to do my projects. It's part of his

passive-aggressive behavior: he's doing it, but he's not really there; therefore he's never truly in the relationship or activity. And, of course, whatever he is doing is perfectly reasonable, from all outer appearances.

This time, without saying a word, he'd developed his own website, Look Young, which had something to do with Prime. But, of course, it wasn't working, so he'd temporarily shelved the project, without discussing it with me. In other words the Secretagogue was his little secret. This added to a long line of similar projects that never came into fruition. And, I might add, this

I'd come to the conclusion that nothing had really changed, and when we were at Natalie's, I discovered that all the efforts to clear her yard, had only made room for her to fill in more stuff. In fact, she was now going to the auctions more than ever, and she was more involved in her Diversionary Project of pulling weeds and moving dirt and rocks around. But, in fact, nothing ever got completed; the plants sat around in containers, which she managed to water, but they were growing and would soon die, if not transplanted.

However, none of this was any of my business, and I endeavored to stay focused on my own projects, which also never got finished. But, in the meantime, more insanity prevailed when I called Dottie about their plans to go to Oregon.

Josh wasn't going, because he couldn't get the time off from his new job, so Airica wasn't going either. And that meant she would be staying home and could take care of Rascal and the cats; we wouldn't be needed. Furthermore, now Dottie wasn't sure if they would be taking the trip, because the business needed their attention and also they'd had extensive car repairs, so the money for the trip had been spent, and there was some concern about the car being up to the trip. In addition, they still had their trip to North Carolina for the company convention, which would be costly for plane tickets, rooms and meals.

thunderstorms, my head pressures and dizziness were in full swing. I wasn't sure what we would be doing and it was beginning to look like we needed to leave the high altitude. Now I was

since our finances were still not within budget. I was feeling trapped and frustrated, and my fight or flight pattern was beginning to kick in.

Yet, we'd decided to attend the Local Seminar for the family business, so spent the night at Flying J, so we could easily drive to the Friday evening Second Look.

We'd arrived early and I went inside to see what was happening. Of course, everyone was busy getting set up for the event, and despite the fact that there was a lot to do, I felt like I didn't fit in, even though Arianna and Josh took time to give me a hug, and I gave Airica one. Dottie and Steve said, "Hi," and continued with their preparations. I didn't feel like I was part of the club, so I went back to Freedom.

I realized that the feelings were part of my childhood pattern, which I'd thought was handled by now, but here it was again; and it only got worse while we attended the meeting.

For one thing, I couldn't understand the speakers' southern accent, although they did a good job of presenting the products and business plan. The other thing was Van constantly coughing and looking like warmed-over death, added to a stoic look that he gets when he's doing something he doesn't want to be doing.

meetings, groups and events where I'd seen that "I'm not going to do it" look, and I realized that he hadn't done it. He hadn't done anything; like Natalie, nothing had really changed. All the time, effort, and energy, and Van was still totally in control; and doing nothing. Oh, he gave out what was necessary to get by, but that was all. With the crystal clear vision, I felt uncontrollable anger that wracked through my body.

In the same clear vision, I also had the insight to see that I really didn't want to be doing this, because I really didn't understand the business concept. The truth is that Van is the one who had wanted to sign-up with this business, and I'd depended on him to build it; but he never did anything. It was all up to me, and I didn't know what I was doing.

This gave me a flashback to early childhood, when my mom was going crazy, and it was all up to me to take care of her and the baby; and I didn't know what I was doing. And when she was sent to a mental institution, it was all my fault. But the truth is, it wasn't my fault; and this business isn't all up to me, either.

I knew, in that instant, that Van had no intentions of doing anything with this business, just like he hadn't done anything in the past. Oh, he'd seemed like he was doing things, but his need to remain in control kept him from moving forward.

I also knew that this kind of business approach did not work for me: the hype, the dangling carrot, the rewards, the punishments. And I hated dressing up and being something I'm not. And trying to get Van dressed appropriately.

In other words, why were we doing this? Mostly to be part of the family; to belong; to be in. And, the truth is that if we weren't doing it, there would be no place in their lives for us. That's part of the focus that evolves from the training. It's like a cult: brainwashing and belonging. Well, I'm not buying it, I decided, and I knew that we would not be going the next day, nor any day.

I felt angry about the time, money and effort we'd put into this, especially the false pretense that Van had indulged in. Yet, I liked the products and would continue using them. But I was done, and when it was over, we left immediately, got into Freedom and drove to Flying J.

The next day, Airica called to see if we were coming, and I honestly said, "No, Van's cough is just too bad. There's no use trying to sit through a day of it." There was no use trying to explain anything else.

Later, Dottie called and said they'd paid for our tickets, but I told her that we were on our way to Van going to a doctor," which was also true. I figured we'd pay them back for the tickets, which were worth the insight that I'd gotten on Friday night.

or flight wasn't the answer. I would have to pursue this to its conclusion, because I couldn't think, and I could hardly function. And I was furious with Van. But this time I decided not to say anything, until I had it all processed and sorted out.

I kept reflecting on a program that I'd watched on Oprah, while Van was fueling and dumping. Actually, I think I was doing the same thing, only on an inner level.

Oprah's guest, Tara-Bennet-Coleman, was talking about her book, "Emotional Alchemy," and the various effects of childhood. Actually, she wasn't saying anything that I hadn't written about, in a different way, but hearing it all spoken, at that time, seemed to confirm what I'd known all along, much of it gleaned from John Bradshaw's "Homecoming," a book for healing the inner child.

Tara talked about the pain from the childhood emotional and physical abuse, and its effect on our lives today. She explained why we react to our partners and others, based on those past conflicts. And everything she discussed applied to me. In fact, it applies to Van too, because he was passing through the coach when Oprah was talking about childhood "whoopings," and Van commented that he had had plenty of them, as a child.

It took a few days for me to put together the pieces of the puzzle, but I finally realized that I was reacting, not only to the present situations of insanity, but also the past, and it was all happening now, only I wasn't an adult, I was a child trying to fix something that I didn't know how to fix. I already knew this, but here it was again, on another level.

addiction when we visit Dottie. But she's my daughter, and it's her family, so we can't talk about it. Yet, it has a devastating effect on everyone concerned, and my body reactions are more likely a result of the attitude than the altitude.

Even as I'm writing, I feel guilt for putting these words down, but I have to do it for myself, if nothing else. And without Van even knowing what I'm doing, he's broken out into an uncontrollable coughing attack. You see, that's how it is. The addictive energies are so powerful that they control everyone, even on an unconscious level.

The fact is that Van did go to the doctor and learned that he has a slight virus condition left in the back of his sinuses, and he was given an antibiotic to heal the outer effects. But the truth is that Van, too, has the inner causes that bring about the outer effects. And, his health will only improve to the extent that he faces and heals the original cause that created the current condition.

My job is to talk about the elephant in the living room: ours and our families. And to be ready for the consequences; either I will be heard and understood, or I will move on. But I am trying to change that pattern.

Wouldn't you know: as if following a precise script to a perfectly choreographed play, the Sunday service seemed design for this exact moment in time. But then, it's always that way, not only for me, but for everyone else attending church.

Our regular minister was on vacation and an Associate Minister, Rev. Lloyd Barrett, gave the message, "Calling Forth Your Good." Believe me, I was ready. I'd already told Dottie that I wanted time with them to "talk about the elephant in the living room," and now I prayed, "Let the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be acceptable in thy sight, O Lord my strength and my redeemer" (Ps. 19:14).

And Rev. Lloyd gave us a roadmap for fulfilling our wants, needs and desires: Proclamation, Preparation, Recognition/Receptivity, and Manifestation. In other words we proclaim what we want by getting clarity, then making the proper preparations to receive, recognizing and being receptive to it, and the receiving.

I so dearly love this church, the music, the words, the people and the energies that I began proclaiming, "I want to live within walking distance of this church." And then I questioned whether or not this was really what I wanted. Or did I want other things more, such as travel, or cooler weather at a lower altitude, such as the beach? And I answered that it would be okay to have all of the above. We could have a small, inexpensive place here where I could have my files and books available when in the area, and still travel during the winter. Ideally, sharing a place and expenses with Dottie and Steve, if I could deal with the altitude, and if we could all get along. What would it take for that to work?

I'd read the Daily Reading before I left, and it said, "Through forgiveness I move forward to greater health and wholeness," adding "it frees me of any perceived obstacles." And it suggests that resentment and anger be replaced with acceptance and understanding. Rev. Lloyd spoke of these virtues too, but the reading added that through forgiveness "we can do better and be better by moving past mistakes and on to new emotional achievements in emotional and physical well- being."

across the Christian College Campus, I recited the above bible verse, about the words of my mouth being acceptable; and I asked God to give me the right words.

I already knew that this was the day to move everything from the kitchen so the new owners could start the remodeling, and also the pictures needed to be taken down for the painting.

When Dottie had called, before church, she told me that they had decided not to take their Oregon visit at this time, much to the disappointment of all concerned. But it did make sense to wait, and I was proud of them for their mature and wise choice. Of course, this meant that they would have to somewhat campout, using their BBQ and electric fry-pan for cooking, while eating outside. And they would need to walk out the front door and into the garage, a major inconvenience, but they could do it. I'd also offered the use of our RV kitchen facilities, so that much of the puzzle had fallen into place.

me read aloud to Van their Vision Statement, a projection for two years from now. It was beautifully thought out and expressed, with their upgraded lifestyle clearly indicated: a home in Colorado with land for our RV, and also theirs, travel and a second home in Oregon, plus much more.

Statement was, I couldn't get past the opening line. It clearly included us in their lives. I felt tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat, as I read.

Later, they each read their "Profiles Statement," which tells their Story of when they came into the business, and their accomplishments, along with the companies progress, where they are now, and their dreams for the future. It too was impressive and professional, and I felt bad that we hadn't been at the Local Seminar to share in their moments of glory.

So, I launched into my explanation and communications of the subjects I wanted to discuss. They listened attentively, and sometimes Dottie made comments or suggestions, but she knows me and she had heard much of this before. However, when I spoke of the intensity and effect of their anger, she said, "But we are doing better," and I agreed, adding, "Maybe this conversation wasn't even necessary, but I had to have it for me, so I can heal and move on."

At one point I asked Steve a direct question, as to where he is about our relationship, and his response made sense, as he explained that they are focused on making this business successful and prosperous by a certain date, so he doesn't have to return to RV sales, and that they are willing to do whatever it takes, and give up what it takes, such as not going to Oregon. And that they are no longer willing to let anyone or anything interfere with their business, because they have too much invested and too much at stake.

goals, but that we had felt left out. At which point I talked about Van's unwillingness to do what it takes for us to build the business, and my feelings about this.

The subject of Prime launched them into a discussion of the wonderful results everyone was feeling, and especially how they are coping with things much better, and I agreed that this conversation couldn't even have taken place, otherwise.

We'd completed the session without anyone getting angry, and I felt much better and reassured about our relationship, knowing that I must keep myself focused on the realization that I am not a victim; I am victorious. And affirming, "I love everybody and everybody loves me, for God is Love and God is All, so All is Love."

I wanted to provide steaks for the BBQ, as kind of another celebration; at least for me. Arianna and Micayla arrived and Airica was home; so was Josh, but he was in pain from his ankle and stayed downstairs. Nevertheless, the family was together and it felt good, and healing too.

After our backyard dinner, we sat and watched an astounding pastime: Micayla and the two dogs, Rascal and Buddie, playing their improvised version of ball. It was one of those events that you would have to have been there, because no camera could have captured its intricacies.

We were sitting in the darkness, lit by a patio light, while Micayla, no longer a baby, but now a toddler, according to Arianna, with a green tennis ball in hand, would toddle to Grandpa and offer it to him, but not give it to him. Instead she would toddle on to me, or whoever else was there, and then back to Grandpa.

and protectively followed her, waiting for the ball to be thrown. But she hasn't mastered that skill yet, so, at our encouragement, she held the ball up and Rascal gently took it from her hand. Then he slowly walked across the patio to the edge of the lawn and waited for Micayla to make her way to him. He would put the ball down and watch, as she carefully stooped down and picked it up, and then toddled back to Grandpa, offering it to him, but not letting go.

Meantime, Rascal quietly followed along and waited until invited to again take the ball from her hand and trod back to the edge of the lawn. This game went on for nearly an hour, with many variations, as they sometimes changed the pattern and procedure, but still clearly involved in the game.

Somewhere along the line, Micayla acquired a second tennis ball and held one in each hand, while Rascal decided which one to take. And sometimes Buddie got into the game, but usually when someone threw a ball for him. But Arianna said that he often plays the game too, taking the ball from Micayla, when they plat at home.

Earlier, Buddie had been vigorously attacking a larger basketball-size ball, which he'd done at another time and accidentally knocked Micayla over. At first she was giving it a wide berth, as she pointed and chattered in baby-talk.

But she's spunky and unfearful, so in time she challenged the ball and picked it up, carrying it in her little arms to Grandpa, while we all applauded triumphantly. She looked around with great glee, knowing that she had won our praise; a procedure she had learned quickly when taking her first steps and getting our applause. We're all convinced she will be an actress or performer of some sort, maybe an athlete, because she dearly cherishes the applause and recognition.

Arianna and Micayla went home to meet Dad, who had been playing baseball. Van and I retired to our home in front of the Family Home, and I wondered what would be happening next, as I recalled that someone had mentioned that they might not actually move, at this time.

Hmmm? Would it possibly work out, after Airica and Josh move, for us to rent their basement for the office space, which would help them cover their increased rent, and give me a place to set up my file cabinets and books? Time will tell.