Chapter 18 NOT OUT ON A LIMB "Lo, I Am With You Always" (Matthew 28:29) In the Light of Tomorrow When tomorrow came, and I examined the situation regarding Joyce, I recognized the abandonment pattern had returned and I wondered if I should attend a Coda (Codependents Anonymous) meeting, because I was feeling helpless over the impact of the pattern. And, as I prayed, I reminded myself, "I am not a victim; I am victorious. I am not deserted and it is not all up to me, I am not alone." I picked up my Daily Reading for solace and read, "I am free from any burden or regret and free to achieve my hearts desires; goals that God inspires me to accept as the reality of a beloved child." It reminded me that I am free from anything that limits my ability to think the highest and best and to move forward to fulfill my destiny. Because it was the word for Easter Sunday, it spoke of my personal resurrection and my rebirth to freedom. And the next day, which was my tomorrow to deal with this issue, the reading reminded me, "I walk in the light of God with you," and it affirmed that if there is a strained relationship, I see the other person and myself walking in the light of love and understanding -- beyond the realm of criticism, doubt and conflict. As I often say in such situations, "There is nothing between us but love and understanding." The reading referred to harmonious and loving communications between us, adding, "I uphold the loving presence of God that is within us and our relationships. I give thanks as all discord melts away in the light of divine understanding." The bible verse quoted 1 John 1:7, "If we walk in the light as he himself is in the light, we have fellowship with one another." I'm Not Attached to Results I still felt the need for further guidance, so I picked up the monthly publication, which happened to be opened to the pages I'd read a month earlier when it first arrived "Whenever we are fully surrendered we are not attached to results." A reminder that I am still in the month of April, with its theme of Will, and one of the subjects is surrender. Yes, I must surrender this issue to God, and release Joyce to her highest good, and not attach myself to the results. I realized that I had been relying on Joyce to take responsibility for "my program," as she put it, and handle things that were beyond her willingness to do. So, I asked God for guidance to rectify the situation for the highest good of all concerned, and I came up with a plan: rather than her being burdened with the partnership responsibilities, and having to handle all the orders, as originally agreed, she could maintain membership in the Money Makeovers Program, as a gratuity for the time and effort she has put into it. Essentially, it would be her project, and she would handle any transactions that came for that program, keeping 90 percent of the membership fee and giving 10 percent royalties to Inner Freedom Ministry; an advanced program that we had originally discussed for Money Makeover$. Thus she would have the opportunity to increase her income, without all the obligations and responsibilities. This seemed like a fair solution for Joyce, although it meant that I would now have to handle all the business transactions, as well as writing and creating and maintaining the website. On the other hand, it opened the option possibility to hire a professional business manager. I affirmed that God had guided us this far and He would continue to guide us, if we were to handle the business ourselves. In any event, this was a solution that I could present to Joyce, releasing her from the partnership responsibilities and obligations and yet giving her an opportunity to increase her income. And my part is to release attachment to results. I didn't get the communication sent to Joyce, because I didn't know if she even had her computer. Of course, I could send it to her e-mail address and also to her roommate, Bobbie. But, I decided to let the idea rest for a day, before sending it. The Next Step In the meantime, as the next step, since I would be handling the rest of the website orders, I spent the day working on my Book List and Order Information preparing to add my address, rather than Joyce's. Again, I noticed that this is the weakest part of my website, as I struggled to get some semblance of order into the format. I used one of the templates that Snow had created, as an Index, and linked it to the other three Book Lists. Because I still didn't have the publishing handled, all books would be offered on a donation basis and e-mailed. This didn't fulfill the criteria of Debtors Anonymous, which maintains that we must be paid for our services and products, but I didn't feel that the books were ready, nor was I in a position for E-Commerce. Yet, I wanted to start getting them out there and read, because a writer needs a reader. So, this would be my Next Step. Short-circuited! By the end of the day the Ordering Format was looking pretty good, but the relationship between Van and I was in chaos. I'd asked him to help with the formatting, and he did it, but he was in one of his inner child belligerent modes, "I'll do it, and I'll make you think I want to, but I really don't want to." This mixed-message drives me nuts, because I can see right through his mask, and I hate the pretense. So, I started on my lecture that he needs to be honest with himself, and with me; either he is willing to help me with the website, or he isn't. At one point, I was reduced to tears and couldn't even function. It all started when Dottie asked him to make some copies on our copier. I wouldn't have minded the intrusion on my ability to concentrate, but in this small confinement, the energies suddenly went berserk; not so much with the copier, but with Van. It was his Diversionary Tactic, which always rescues him from doing what I want and allows him to focus on something else; not only focus, but obsess. My head began to throb from the pressure of the rampant energies, and I finally broke into tears. I began feeling as if my life's breath had been cut-off, like I'd been thwarted on the threshold of life; and the feelings seemed to arise from deep within my inner child, as if they were being re-lived, and I could feel the little girl's anguish from some dimly remembered trauma that was being triggered now, as I attempted to move forward. The new website design had set me back, and I'd managed to make that transition, and then Joyce announced that she might not be the right person for my program, and now Van regressed into his teenage balking, accompanied by resentment, rebellion and resistance; not to mention the copier that finally short-circuited my forward movement. A Type of Death Van stopped copying and insisted that he really wanted to help with my website, but he looked like an angry teenager and his energies were comparable to an ominous thunder cloud. Obviously, he too was working through some underlying issue, but he never seems to recognize or identify what's going on. At one point, I'd read some information about change and surrender from my monthly magazine and that seemed to have an impact. It referred to the theologian, Paul Tillich, saying, "When something that has served as the 'ground of our being,' has been threatened, diminished, or taken from our life, it is an ontological crisis" (a branch of metaphysics relating to the nature of being." The article goes on to say, "This ground of being might be a social role, a relationship, an internal identity, or a belief system." The article, which is an excerpt from Robert Brumet's book, Finding Yourself in Transition: Using Life's Changes for Spiritual Awakening," explains that a triggering event could be the death of a parent or a child, a divorce, a serious illness, a financial disaster, or any of several unexpected events. And the author concludes, "To many, such an experience feels almost worse than death itself." Finally, I'd found an explanation to the feelings I've mentioned earlier: as if my life's breath had been cut-off. And I reminded Van that he too had suffered similar feelings of loss in his childhood when he had been taken from his parents, leaving a traumatic scar that is continually triggered in similar circumstances. I Die Daily Van, on the other hand, focused on the parts of the article referring to change, such as the bible's Paul saying, "I die daily" (1 Cor. 15:31). Brumet says, "To live is to grow; to grow is to change; to change is to die to the old," and he reminds us that those of us on an accelerated growth pattern are dying daily, because each change is a form of death. It stands to reason that these traumatic changes along the spiritual path serve as triggering devices that cause us to feel as if we are dying; because in truth we. Brumet goes on to say, "To be fully alive, we must be willing to be changed, to surrender into the moment without resistance; we must be willing to 'die daily,' even moment by moment" and this is done with nonresistance, acceptance or nonattachment. He says that surrendering is to be fully open to each experience of our life, allowing ourselves to feel each response to life's circumstances. And he says that part of this process of surrendering is not becoming a doormat, but allowing ourselves to say and do what is necessary to protect and assert ourselves in the world, without hurting others or taking away from their rights. Nor does it mean that we have the right to act out our every thought, feeling or desire. Rather, it means to behave in a sane and responsible way. He concludes, "We do what we need to do in the world in a way that is appropriate for our well-being and for that of others." In other words, we experience and observe each thought, feeling, desire, memory, and physical sensation, then let go, surrendering it to the next. I like his statement, "Being surrendered means that we don't try to control and orchestrate the flow of our life; we let life unfold. Yes, we ask for what we want; we voice our opinion when appropriate; and we act when we need to act -- but we are not attached to the results." In other words, "Our life is being lived through us." The Act of Surrendering I needed to read these words again and let them saturate my being, however they didn't improve our attitude for that day. I think the words, and the act of surrendering, were being processed on deeper levels; much like Jesus "in the tomb," or the butterfly in its chrysalis. So, when I awoke the next day, I felt guided to attend the noon Coda meeting, and I walked to church, accompanied by Van and Rascal, and they returned home so Van could finish copying Dottie's requests. It was a large meeting, over twenty people, and the group divided into two, though I prefer the larger group where we can experience more sharings. Nevertheless, we numbered off and the one's left the room. When a subject was asked, I suggested "Abandonment," because I really felt bad about them leaving. But another issue was chosen. Of course, I realize that it always turns out perfectly and the right people are there and sharing for that moment in time. And this meeting was no exception. I shared about feelings of abandonment, anyway, and went on to talk about my website and my writing, which brought forth comments from another writer and a wannabe. The subject of self-forgiveness and self-acceptance became the main theme, but I was interested in a comment relating to consequences and punishment, in which someone quoted a TV program where it was said that there is no need for punishment, because life itself will bring about the appropriate results or consequences. Of course, this is foreign to my generation's thinking, but I figured it was a reasonable assumption, and it definitely fit into the philosophy of surrendering. I found it interesting that the classroom where the Coda meeting was held had two boxes with a sign "Do not disturb; butterfly in progress" and each box held a chrysalis. Now, is this a sign or what? Choosing Priorities After I got home, I wrote and sent my e-mail to Joyce, with no attachment to results or expectations; only an expectancy of the highest good for all concerned. The day became somewhat frantic when Van tried to publish my latest website improvements and the publishing software refused to make the connection to the Internet. But, again, I surrendered attachment to results and focused on celebrating Arianna's 25th birthday and watching Micayla's antics, especially her new ability to walk across the room; much more desirable priorities for this day. In the meantime, Van continued working with the website and later announced that he had figured out the problem and had published the new entries. I now felt ready to go out into the universe, and I had asked Snow to take the necessary steps for this to happen. However, I suspected that the procedure would not move as quickly as I might have thought, so I released my website to God's will and timing. Airica's Terrible Ordeal I had thought that we should move on to Van's Aunt Betsy's on Thursday, but Airica was having her four wisdom teeth pulled and wanted us to be there to support her, so we stayed. Because her teeth were impacted and required oral surgery, including stitches, she was in terrible pain, despite pain-killers, which made her feel miserable, so she quit taking them; relying on extra-strength Tylenol. She hated that the anesthetic numbed her mouth and throat so that she had no control over the water drooling from her mouth. And for the first three days she could only eat soft food. Ordinarily she isn't much into food, but now she was ravenous and craved everything she couldn't have. When she first came home, I supported her back, as she tried to drink her water and a shake. But mostly she focused on the myriad pills that she had to take, and having her parents assist in taking care of her needs, and trying to rest. So, I did what I could and continued with my projects, yet she seemed comforted in knowing that we were there. Of course, she missed two days of school and work, during her recovery, and she didn't feel like doing anything else, so she was intolerably bored, once asking me to play Scrabble, but then not feeling like it and resorting to sleep as an escape and healer. The combination of medications, pain and deprivation of her normal life caused Airica to be frustrated and irritated which manifested in her inner child feeling helpless and demanding: more soup, ice cream or something to ease her pain and suffering. In addition, her jaw and cheek kept swelling, giving her gopher-like cheeks, which she couldn't handle, as she's used to being thin. It was a difficult time for her. Conflict of Interest Dottie and Steve were trying to maintain their usual busy schedule with the business, though they had cut back for the first two days. However, on Saturday they held a previously scheduled training, which I attended while Van took Freedom to Flying J for the weekly fuel and dump. They began the event by answering questions, but the subject of the new websites offered by the company became to technical, so they shifted to the training format and took us through the proper way to prepare a Goal Statement, explaining that their previous approach had been inaccurate and ineffective. However, it's the method they had taught us, at an earlier training, and they were right, it didn't work. In any event, our business had totally unraveled and we had lost interest, after two years of effort and investment. Besides, I felt a conflict of interest between focusing on my website and this business that had not responded to our efforts. I've learned that it is not to my best interests to stress myself by taking on too much pressure, so the choice had been made to focus on my website. However, I'd finally made it through the transition from the old to the new design, which relieved some pressure, but soon it would be connected with search engines and it could require a great deal more time. In addition, I felt a strong conflict between the philosophy of goal setting verses surrendering to God's will and guidance. Therefore, I began feeling uncomfortable with too much emphasis on taking control, rather than letting go and letting God. As if this wasn't enough, the company had designed their own website program, which we were being urged to investigate. I couldn't see why anyone would want to pay $499.00 for one when they could create it free, as we did. On the other hand, not everyone has a computer programmer-analyst, which had been Van's career, to assist them. And, in fact, even at that, it was extremely difficult for Van to comprehend all the new technology. So, I decided to keep an open mind, especially when it was discussed that they needed a website master to work with the people, once the programs had been sold. Maybe, just maybe this might be something that would motivate Van. But, I wasn't holding out any expectations, only an abundant expectancy that God's Divine Plan was in full operation. I did wonder, however, why Van had felt inspired to go dump Freedom instead of attend this meeting; another conflict of interests, no doubt. Four Original Freedomers As a sidelight to the other activities and interests since we had arrived a week earlier, as I said, I'd received letters from four of the original Freedomers, which required time and attention on my part. One had asked me to write to his Parole Board and I had also offered to send him a money order with some tithe money to help with his legal efforts, plus respond to his letter which had announced that he was accepted at a Halfway House; a prerequisite for parole. All of this was accomplished one day, while I took a second day to write to another who wanted to get back into my material and finish answering the questions to the course he had once started and not completed. I was excited, because I use his answers in my Freedomer Series of books and it would be great to have them completed and available as I am ready for each next book. However, this meant getting into my files, which were stored in Dottie's basement, and finding the material (a time consuming activity), plus sending him a new copy of the original Pot O Gold Course book, which had been confiscated from his cell, along with all his other material. Okay, God, so is this the direction I'm to be heading? I wondered, as I continued to answer all the letters, trusting that God is always guiding me in how I am to cooperate with His Divine Plan. God Does Goal Statements The underlying theme of surrendering and letting go to God's will had been coming to my attention throughout the month of April, right on schedule to cooperate with the monthly subject, as originally written in my Transformation Series. And I had again reached the point of saying, "Okay, God, as You will," as I released my focus from the website, and trusting God to guide me when I needed to be working on it. So, now I was ready to go through the open doors. With this action, I spent my Sunday morning meditation asking God exactly where He stood with the matter of Goal Statements, and if it was a conflict with surrendering, as I asked, "Do You do Goal Statements?" In response, I was guided to get my notebook and write one, based on Steve and Dottie's new approach. This meant applying my own teachings of thanking God in advance, and dating it on the final day of the desired results, also using a technic that I've taught in my original Pot O' Gold Prosperity Course. However, this idea that Dottie and Steve presented did not originate with them, although they both were familiar with my teachings. It came from their sponsors, who are also their lifetime friends. But, then, who listens to their parents? They don't really know anything anyway, right? On the other hand, it's perfectly reasonable for the parents to do as the kids teach, right? At least as far as the kids are concerned. InnerFreedom.net Goal Statement I decided to do my website, first, and then see what happens with the business. Okay, so here goes with the Goal Statement: Thank You, God: It is June 11, 2001. InnerFreedom.net is ready, and so am I, as we celebrate the first year of it's going on-line. 1. It is hooked up with the search engines and other marketing program offered by Rick and Snow. 2. I've faced, recognized and released any blocks or limitations to moving forward 3. Van is willing and able to do his part. 4. We have all the help we need and want. 5. Joyce is satisfied with her part in the program and does what is needed on her part 6. All links are properly made and working 7. I am making the contacts as God guides 8. I'm writing daily 9. I'm following the guidance that I receive 10. I'm checking and correcting links, etc. Networking Goal Statement Thank You, God. It is June 1, 2001, we have followed as You guided and we are celebrating the Perfect Results: Van and I are activated and qualified and receiving our monthly BV checks. Our attainment helped Dottie and Steve and Steve Becker become Professional Coordinators by this date. We accomplished this by following Your guidance: 1. Wrote letter to Barry B. re Steve Becker in Picayune, Ms. 2. Meeting with Steve Becker re MA website 3. Working with Carol Myers, as appropriate, needed and guided. 4. Working our 40-Day Prosperity Program. 5. Attending Second Looks, etc. 6. Learning about new products 7. Learning about new MA website program 8. Update on Preferred Customer Program. These seemed like reasonable and achievable goals that Van and I were willing and able to attain. The Big One Micayla's First Birthday arrived midst softly falling snow and we wondered if the predicted 12-inches would arrive. The usual preparations fell into place: decorations, presents, cake and food. In the midst of all this, Airica's painful gums required attention, as Dottie tried to focus on frying chicken and cooking, while also handling a business meeting. I peeled potatoes and helped fry chicken and otherwise be helpful. However, when the Birthday Girl arrived, it was time to be with her. Now, she often walked across the living room, interspersed with crawling, and she happily hung out with Grandpa Steve, while Dottie kept busy, but she also managed to find time for her granddaughter. When dinner was served, Micayla sat in her high chair and ate with her spoon, enjoying Dottie's home cooked meal, along with the dozen family members celebrating this special First Birthday. Between the main course and dessert, Micayla opened her presents and happily played with all the noise-making and button-pushable toys. The adults too enjoyed pushing buttons and listening to the sounds. But, at least they could leave; on the other hand, Arianna and Jason would be stuck with the noises, such as a toy telephone that rings all by itself, along with other typical telephone sounds. Once Micayla got onto the idea of opening a present and finding the new toy or clothes, she went for it with gusto, but she continued to go back to her favorite where she could push a button and hear a nursery rhyme. What Fun! We were so happy to share in this event with Micayla, and I continued to marvel at her constant good disposition; never crying or cranky, but simply enjoying the festivities as they were meant to be, which gave the family members a lot of pleasure. She doesn't seem like a baby, but a little adult who is tolerating the inconvenience and frustration of not being able to function like everyone else. Too Much for Great-Grandmother I love being with my family, because it's important to me to feel that I belong and I am part of this circle, but all the energies began to take their toll, and several unkind incidents triggered a painful reaction on my part, taking away from the joyful experience of the day. It's sad but true that the younger generations no longer show respect for their older relatives, at least in this family. In fact, they can be downright rude and hurtful. But then, this is a normal pattern and I should have been able to handle it, but it was all simply too much for me and I was glad to make a retreat to my own home and regroup. And once I went to bed, I felt like a drowning person, as my lifetime of emotional hurt, pain and abandonment flashed before me, causing me to feel helpless and hopeless, while triggering my pattern of wanting to runaway or leave. Maybe I am "Out on a Limb" However, I've learned not to allow myself to give in to these negative emotions, and I continued to affirm, "I am not a victim; I am victorious," while asking God to remove the negative energies and return them to positive and productive energies for good. The compulsion to leave continued to run rampant, so I asked God to guide me in our next steps, on our inner and outer journey, so that I would be following His Guidance and not my old patterns. The process lasted several hours, until I finally fell asleep. But when I awoke I did not feel refreshed and ready for the planned day with one of my granddaughters. Instead, I felt depleted and unable to cope with any more demands on my psyche. I needed more time to recuperate, so I canceled and spent some of the time talking with Van, who was unusually supportive and understanding. In fact, he admitted that the energies had gotten to him too, although he had not been offended as I had. It's for sure, I was feeling like I was out on a limb and maybe I had been too optimistic with the title of this chapter. In fact, I began to wonder again, why I attract these abusive attacks. However, it's not a big mystery, because it began in my childhood and has become a projection, like a magnet. So, it takes more affirmations and positive thinking to turn my energies from their downward spiral. The fact is that I was feeling ready to end this chapter, with its focus on will and surrender, and to move onward into the new energies for a new month. I had already begun a new 40-Day Prosperity Program and I wanted to focus on its positive energies. "I Trust in God to Sustain Order" But I don't like to end chapters on a downer, and the truth is that my Daily Reading added a positive note to the situation, reminding me that this is probably another of God's experiential aides to take me through to a new level of life. The above sub-title was followed with the statement, "I do not let any negative thought or feeling compromise my sense of order." That sounded good, especially when it was for Sunday, which I should have read at the time when I was hurting. In any event, it adds, "Today I practice discovering the good in every situation" and "God's guidance is revealed to me, and I follow that guidance." I had been guided to come here and be part of the family celebrations, so I must trust that there is good in it, as I attempt to pull myself out of the mire. Divine Ideas I found this to be especially meaningful when I read Monday's words, "Great ideas are divine ideas inspired by God." I had awakened Sunday with an idea that would keep us in the Denver area, but the upsetting situation at the party reminded me that the next words in the Reading might need further meditation: "I pray to understand when an idea is a reaction to a perceived need for something more and when an idea is a response from God's spirit within for me to do more as a spiritually enriched being." Indeed, was my idea in response to needing to be part of the family circle, or was it a Divine Idea calling me "to do more as a spiritually enriched being"? Time would tell, and I might be waiting out on a limb, until the answers revealed themselves. However, the accompanying bible verse from Philippians 4: 8 gave me a lifeline to hold onto in case I'm at the end of the rope that is hanging from the limb, "...if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things," a conclusion to a list of other positive subjects that we could think about. |
